So instead of ploughing through my college work like I should be, I’ve been binging my way through countless episodes of Criminal Minds. Which as it turns out, if you pay close enough attention you can actually learn a lot of valuable lessons, that may even save your life. 😛
Now correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t learning how to evade serial killers seem a lot more useful than reading about Vikings? Either way, it’s definitely more entertaining.
Seeing as I’m on a mission to do anything other than what I’m supposed to be doing, I decided to devise a list of all the wonderfully whacky things the show has taught me.
Warning: May contain elements of sarcasm and/or irony from the outset and throughout. Persons lacking an element of humour are advised to read an instruction manual as an alternative. Any illusions to real people are entirely coincidental. Spoilers may be present. You have the right to remain silent, anything you do say can and will be used against you.
Here we go:
1. You are literally never safe. Ever. Even your animals aren’t safe.
2. It is always the most unassuming people that are psychopaths. That super nice couple you live next to are probably harboring over 20 child hostages. Be warned.
3. Never open the door to anyone, never leave your house, never accept help from anyone, never speak to anyone, basically never trust anyone or go anywhere.
4. Support groups are most likely housing murderers.
5. Don’t bully anyone, they might find you twenty years later to enact horrific revenge. (Not that you should bully anyone anyway).
6. The FBI will almost always show up to save you in the nick of time. But unfortunately only if you are victim number 47.
7. Don’t go to diners. 99.9% of incidents happen at diners. Just don’t go there.
8. You also shouldn’t go to libraries.
9. Don’t pick up hitch hikers.
10. You can be abducted anywhere, at anytime.
11. Old ladies aren’t always as nice as you think.
12. Don’t run at night time. Actually, just don’t run. (unless it’s away from an unsub).
13. If you are homeless you have no hope.
14. Sometimes good looking fathers will use their kids to steal your heart, literally.
15. Every FBI agent has a personal trauma.
16. Don’t scream out ‘Hello!? Is anyone there?!” just find the nearest object of defense and run like hell.
17. If you’re an FBI agent you get to travel a lot, though for unfortunate circumstances.
18. FBI agents can’t lead successful personal lives.
19. FBI agents overuse the phrase ‘FREEZE FBI!’
20. Don’t piss off your best friend- she might try and drown you.
21. Try not to experience any emotional trauma which may render you susceptible to homicidal tendencies.
22. If you watch the show you’ll acquire a lot of deep and meaningful quotes.
23. Never lick the back of envelopes, they might be filled with Anthrax.
24. Don’t go to the park, you could get shot from a distance, or poisoned by anthrax.
25. Don’t walk alone at night
26. Don’t go on holidays with your family- bad things can happen.
27. Never be a prostitute.
28. Never do drugs.
29. Never piss off your neighbour.
30. Never be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
31. Don’t ask your noisy neighbours to keep it down
32. Don’t ignore the weird guy.
33. Never participate in online chatrooms.
34. Never keep a diary.
35. Never be in a situation where you haven’t put thought into entry and exit points and potential improvised defensive tools–and never be totally unarmed.
36. Ignore the voices in your head.
37. Revenge is never justified, even if you have a heart breaking past.
38. Don’t buy your kids balloons from creepy clowns
39. Barricade your children into their rooms at night.
40. Never leave your kids in the care of a relative.
41. Don’t hack into government computers.
42. A fear of the dark is a legitimate and justified fear at any age.
43. Don’t work in a bank..
44. Trust your instincts
45. Motels are the creepiest places ever.
46. Go to the dentist regularly, you never know when your nashers might help identify you, just saying.
47. The ‘unsub’ is always found after the FBI shows up at at least two wrong locations.
48. Technical annalists are cool.
49. Never assume you have gotten away with anything.
50. Don’t join a cult.
51. Don’t live underground to save money.
52. Always carry ‘pepper spray’.
53. Don’t get pregnant, someone might kidnap you and try and steal your baby.
54. Sometimes the good guys are the bad guys.
55. Everyone has motives.
56. Don’t possess evidence that can and will be used against you.
57. Forget google, if Garcia can’t find it, no one can.
58. Forgive and move on, don’t hold grudges.
59. Appreciate your loved ones and always tell them you love them.
60. Forever appreciate the beautiful agents that are Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan.