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My Never Ending Series of Unfortunate Events – A Collection of ‘Jessisms’.

So the other day while casually pondering life (ya know, as ya do), it occurred to me that I’ve had some pretty weird and unfortunate shit happen to me over the years. Now I know we all have our wacky experiences and encounters, but I’m starting to think that I have a significant amount more than others. After 23 years, and countless inputs from friends and family, I’ve come to the conclusion that ‘it’s just something about me.’  Apparently ‘I just have that ‘look’ (whatever that look is I’ll never know).

I’m just a recipe for disaster. A walking calamity. A magnet for mishaps. Quite a while back, I decided it might be a fun idea to compile a list of what I like to call my ‘Jessisms’, or in other words my own personal never ending series of unfortunate events. I’ve had this blog saved as a draft for some time now, and I’ve been slowly adding to it as my propensity for misfortune continues.

(Before I begin I must point out that most of these instances weren’t actually my fault, and therefore the circumstances surrounding them should not solely be put down to, clumsiness, stupidity, intoxication, or the colour of my hair).

Without further ado…

Being bitten in Coppers:

This is probably the most bizarre of them all. So there I am on my 19th birthday, minding my own business, enjoying my suddy and red to the gentle sway of Nicki Minaj in the basement of coppers. Utterly Sophisticated. When then, out of no where some middle aged bald guy runs up to me, bites me on the shoulder, and runs away. Next thing I know I’m being fussed over, your man is ‘goin to get the absolute shit kicked out of him,’  and there’s talks of tetanus and A&E in case the creature drew blood. Luckily he didn’t. Probably not surprising for coppers, but still unfortunate nonetheless.

Getting caught in the clothes line: 

It was a grand summers evening, and being the model child that I am I decided to hang out the washing for the fam. It was back in the too-young-for-a-job-days, so doing the housework would get you your 20 euro for the week. Which looking back is kind of bordering on the lines of child labour, but anyway. I had set out with great intentions, only the next thing I know I find myself literally stuck to the line. My long hair had betrayed me by getting deeply entangled in one of the pegs. The only thing I could do was stand there helplessly and hope someone would rescue me. A good forty minutes later my sister arrives back from my nan’s and sets me free. I have had a strange aversion to clothes lines ever since.

Being put in a strangers car by my father:

(Here’s looking at you Tom Keogh).

I regret to say that this one actually happened. It was around about 5 years ago, before my driving days. My dad was giving me a lift to the bus station, as I was heading back to college. All was going well, it was a seemingly inconspicuous Monday morning. That is until the car broke down less than half way through the journey. It wouldn’t have been so much of a big deal, if it wasn’t for the fact that I had a test that day that I couldn’t miss. If I missed the bus I missed the test. The car wasn’t budging and there was no one around to come to our rescue. So what does my dad do? Stands out in the middle of the road and attempts to flag down oncoming traffic. He then starts pleading with random strangers to take me and my mortified self to the bus station. Next thing I know I’m flung into a car, case in tow, with a woman called Ann and her two kids. Ann kindly threw me out at Waterford bus station some twenty minutes later, after the longest and most uncomfortable silence of my life. On the re-telling of this story my  Dad always says, “well didn’t ya make the bus?”. Yes Dad, I may have made the bus, but I can assure you my pride did not. (Also, she could’ve been a psycho killer, but whatever, “sure I made the bus”).

Accidentally using ‘Intimate feminine wipes’ on my face

Okay now this was just deceptively cruel. Who even knew such things existed? Again, not my fault. The culprits in question were bought for me under the illusion that they were, in fact, normal facial cleansing wipes. A similar incident happened shortly thereafter, when I used my nephews  “nappy rash” cream on my face. A serious dupe for sudocream let me tell you. I’ve now come to the conclusion that I need to just give up on facial products in general.

Drinking my own contact lense:

Some of you may remember this one from Facebook.

Yes I indeed happened to drink my own contact lense. I’m not proud of it, in fact it still haunts me to this day, almost exactly two years after it first occurred. It wasn’t a sick dare or anything, it was just something horribly and disgustingly unfortunate. You see, anyone with contact lenses will understand the hardship of taking them out after a night out. Sometimes you surprise yourself and manage to store them perfectly in their little containers of solution. More often times than not they can end up glued to your eyelids, left to shrivel on two plates, or in this instance floating in glasses of water. Now you can see what happened next. I’m drunk, I wake up in the middle of the night, I’m thirsty. I innocently reach for one of the glasses of water beside my bed, and well you get the rest.

Capsizing in the waters of Slovenia

Now this one was a genuine near death experience. Not being dramatic. So I’m on an inter-rail with a group of friends, and we decide to do something other than destroy our livers. That something turned out to be white-water rafting. Very adventurous of us altogether. Let me set the scene. So we’re looking sexy in our wet suits as we embark our vessel. (Which was basically a blow up floating boat, and not a raft made of sticks like I had originally imagined/secretly hoped). Our instructor ‘Yuri’ was quite the man, and ensured us we were completely safe as we navigated our way through Slovenian waters. All was going well, until all of a sudden the boat capsized. Before long we were all being flung rapidly downstream. At first we found it amusing, but after Yuri’s frantic screams of ‘this is fucking serious,’ we were in full titanic mode. The water was fairly shallow, so me being me, think ‘ah sher it’s grand I can just stand up and sort of walk back’. Disaster. Of course I’m flung back straight onto my arse and dragged across rocks, dodging trees, and screaming for my life along the way. What made me think I could walk against a rapid current, I’ll never know.  In the end I somehow managed to swim back to the raft, oar in hand, exhausted. All I could do was lay there like a wet seal and wait for the others to be rescued. Tragic stuff.

Being asked on a date to Mcdonalds by a Dublin Bus driver:

Now I know some of you might not view this as unfortunate per se, some might find it flattering. But picture the scene. It’s 11:34pm. I’m en route home from a late shift and I have to be up and back in work at 7am. All I want to do is peacefully disembark the bus and fall in to bed. I press the buzzer and I approach my stop. The bus driver seemingly innocent, turns to me and asks in the thickest Dublin accent “Dya wanna go ta Mcdonalds?”  Still genuinely not sure if he was asking me on a date, or if I looked like the type of person who frequents McDonalds. Either way I stared blankly at him, shook my head politely, disembarked the bus and ran for my life.

Wearing my leggings inside out to work:

Now I must stress that for 6 months straight I had to endure the pain of 7am starts, something my former college student self wasn’t accustomed to at the time. (My present self is now peeling herself up at 6.30am). Anywho, after my early rise I then had a bit of a bitch of a commute, so naturally these types of mishaps were bound to occur…weren’t they? Nonetheless, after my usual ritual of crying into my cereal at the foot of the stairs, I set out for work. I got on the bus, put in my earphones and tried to avoid the oncoming plague of other passengers. Only then did I happen to look down and realise that my leggings were in fact inside out. Facing an hour long commute and a further 10 minute walk to work before I could rectify the situation, there was nothing I could do. Fortunately I wasn’t the strangest creature on the bus that day.

 Being abandoned by my ‘friends’ in a dyke:

 When I was in primary school we had a dyke (which is basically a washed out ditch/trench like thing), that ran along the back of the school. Of course we were forbidden from going near it, but that never stopped us. I remember coming to school after spraining my ankle in a separate unrelated trampoline incident. I was on crutches, but my friends convinced me to come out to the dyke anyway. Not wanting to miss out on any of the fun, I agreed. Next thing I know I’m being lowered into the dyke crutches and all. It was all fun and games until  someone got wind of one of the teachers coming. Everyone fled, leaving 10 year old me alone in the dyke to navigate my way out with my crutches.

Being run over by a bike in Sweden:

I think I’ll let the below speak for itself on this one. I did legitimately have a stalker in Sweden btw, but that’s a post entirely of it’s own.

Chipping my tooth on a pole in Barcelona:

Not intoxicated, just blind and laughing too much. I probably reacted a little too dramatically when this one happened, but in fairness it was one of my worst fears realised. I thought my whole tooth was gone. Plus, I hadn’t long shed my braces, so it was pretty upsetting. I did however, get to rock the ‘London Look’ for a few days.

At this stage, I think I should probably start wrapping this up! I am aware this post is probably quite long, but it has only just scratched the surface. I mean I could probably write an entire book filled with my misadventures, perhaps one day I will. For now I will leave you with these short anecdotes, in the hopes that you enjoyed reading them just as much as I enjoyed re-telling them!

As Mr Lemony Snicket himself once said:

 What might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.

~Jessie

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The everyday struggles of a clumsy person

A lot of people presume those who are naturally clumsy are just putting on an ‘act’. It’s all a cute show for attention right? Wrong. If you find yourself on the un-coordinated spectrum of life like myself, you will know that it is most definitely not an act. The struggle is real. Clumsy isn’t a way of life, it’s a curse of an inherent lack of coordination. Don’t you think if we could choose not to spill things on ourselves we would? Sure we’d love to be poised and sophisticated, but it just doesn’t happen. Yesterday I managed to spill two plastic cups of wine consecutively (I don’t trust myself with glasses anymore). I don’t know how, but one literally flew out of my hand and across the room.
Anywhoo, with all that being said I thought I’d write a guide to the everyday struggles of your average clumsy person, just to give all you ‘together’ people a glimpse into life on the other side.

So here we go:

1. Not being able to eat or drink anything without spilling it on yourself.
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You own that cereal dribble..

2. Bumping into inanimate objects on a daily basis.
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Wtf, okay that lampost definitely appeared out of nowhere.. All you can do when this happens is put your head down and pray to god no one saw..
They saw.

3.Despite how clumsy you are, you’re still shit at trying to subtly ‘recover’. if you’re like me your hawk eye friends will see absolutely all of your stumbles and use them to embarrass you publicly.

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That save though…

4. Stairs. Just stairs. You can’t walk up them, and you can’t walk down them. They are your mortal enemy, put on this earth to cause you constant pain.

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5. Constantly dropping things.
Your clumsiness takes the phrase ‘butter fingers’ to a whole new level. It could be your phone, keys, drink or wallet. Whatever it is, chances are you’ve dropped it more than once. Which means you probably can never be a waitress/waitor. And you most definitely shouldn’t hold babies for a period longer than five minutes, or without supervision.
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6. Always dropping things means you are an avid follower of the ‘5 second rule’

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7. Lets just say certain sports aren’t your strong point, and you and this dog have a lot in common.
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8. Constantly saying sorry for spilling things on people and knocking things over.

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ooops, my bad

9. Always having a lovely collection of bruises. Sometimes you have more than your memory can keep up with.

bruise..
Here’s my latest colourful addition. No, don’t worry I’m not a victim of domestic abuse, just an unfortunate cycling accident.

10. Losing your balance on flat surfaces. You are literally unable to walk in a straight line.

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11. Making awkward scenes by accidentally knocking over things while telling stories.

Literally the bane of my existence. Anyone who knows me will be aware of the fact that I talk with my hands, a lot. Combine that with my natural clumsiness, and well you have a recipe for disaster.
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12. Having little to no rhythm.

Yep, you’ll always be that kid out of sync with everyone else, or the one that claps too early or too late. It’s okay, you’re not alone.
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13. Getting overly excited or hyper about something at any given time can have potentially dangerous results.

dog-jumping

this one applies to clumsy girls-

14.Getting your hair stuck in the back of your hairdryer.

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15. Showering can sometimes prove problematic if you lose the run of yourself.
Be on alert for slippery shampoo spillages at all times. And never dance in the shower, ever.
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16. People always assume you’re drunk.
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Nope. Just clumsy.

17. Going to sit down, or lean against something but completely missing and face planting.

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18. Your skills at riding a bike are questionable.
(This is exceptionally true for my experiences so far in Sweden)
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19. The constant judgment and ridicule from coordinated people.
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stop judging me!

20. Winter and the onslaught of ice.

RTE-slipbaby

21. Trying to make a dramatic exit but failing miserably..
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22. Finally learning to embrace your clumsiness 🙂

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So there you have it, a slight glimpse into the average struggles of a clumsy person. If you’re clumsy and struggling to deal with your awkward ways, just remember some of the most fabulous people are disastrously clumsy. Take JLAW for example
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the girl faceplanted at the oscars TWICE and still managed to own it.
So next time you’re feeling embarrassed, ashamed or bruised just remember at least you’re fun and can laugh at your accident prone ways. I’d rater be laid back and clumsy than take myself too seriously any day.

In the wise words of Miss Zoey Deschanel:
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