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Little Thoughts, Big Dreams

There’s been a pattern to a lot of my blog posts of late, and it seems to be one of finding myself. I’ve talked a lot about my post college life, my struggle to adapt to ‘the real world’, gaining jobs, quitting jobs, moving countries and so on and so forth. There’s no denying it’s been a pretty chaotic time, and I’m constantly having to remind myself that I’m not even a year out of college yet!

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last number of months though. I’m discovering new aspects of my character almost every day. I’ve been surprised to discover that things I thought I would enjoy, I really don’t! It’s true the saying, you really don’t know unless you try.

Lately I’ve found myself with a yearning to really make a difference. I know that might sound a little cheesy, but I just have this strong desire to give back in some way. (Don’t worry, I won’t be turning into Mother Teresa anytime soon!). In my early years when ‘big people’ would ask me what I wanted to be, I always responded with a confident assertion of  ‘ a teacher and a best selling author’. I liked the idea of being able to help people, and impart some sort of wisdom.

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In my later years I abandoned any desire I had to become a teacher entirely. (Still holding out hope for the best selling author, mind you) ‘Not a hope in hell’ I’d scoff. Why would you want to go through 18 years of education to end up back in the very place you spent the best part of those years trying to escape? My present self realises that perhaps this thinking was a bit naive. I mean it is different, you’re on the other side of it as such. It’s not really the same.

I suppose you’re wondering where I’m going with this, well I guess the answer is I’m not really sure, but that’s the fun of it. I’m not vehemently opposed to the idea of teaching anymore. In fact, I find myself thinking more and more about it. So much so that I’ve enrolled in a TEFL (teaching English as a Foreign Language), course. I’ve always loved the English language, I’ve had a fascination with words and stories for as long as I remember. While a lot of my friends were out pucking around a sliotar, I was most likely found under a tree with my nose in a book or making up stories, reciting them to anyone who’d give me an ear. (I wasn’t the weird kid, I swear….).

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Which is why I now find myself toying with the idea of teaching my beloved language abroad. Not only is it a chance to travel the world before I get tied down in a career, but it’s the chance to really make the difference I’m after. I’m not out for self-gratification, it’s more about doing something meaningful, something I believe in,  while I figure out what it is I actually want to do with my life! I guess the good thing about my college degree is that it’s so broad. It’s both a blessing and a curse. In one way it’s difficult to figure out where I ‘fit in’ and thus what I’m ‘qualified for’. But on the other hand, I’m not pigeon holed. There’s an array of areas I can venture into and try my hand at.  I’m realising what it is I like, and what it is I absolutely hate, and that’s an exciting experience. So why not keep learning? Why not keep exploring?

As many of you know, I can’t stay in one place for too long! With Sweden, Barcelona, and London all conquered destinations,  I’m itching for another notch on my belt! Who knows where my TEFL venture will take me? 

I’ll keep you posted on the upcoming adventures 😉

~J

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Final Year Fear

FF_Divider_Pink4I’m aware at this stage that a lot of my recent blogs have adopted the same ‘help I’m in final year’ tone, but it’s hard not to think about the fact that ‘real adulthood’ is getting closer with each passing day.

I mean fuck, it’s scary. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. Looking back first year seems like it was just yesterday, but at the same time it also feels like a million years ago. Back in 2012  19 year old fresher me thought 2016 was a lifetime a way. Yet here I am. A mere 12 weeks off graduating and becoming a person. It’s kind of a catch 22. In one way I can’t wait to finish and finally be done with essays, group presentations, and classic literature! But on the other hand I’m going to miss university life and the prospect of finding a job is actually terrifying.

When you’re little you  just assume that when you grow up you get a job and become successful, like it’s that easy. You also have that blissful innocence that you can be anything you want to be. I, like many others went through many different stages of wanting to be many different things. I think my very first dream job was to become an actress. I was quite the little drama queen, so it didn’t seem too far out of my reach.  I loved performing on ‘the stage’ in our house (that is the step in our family kitchen). I would parade around for anyone that would give me the time of day. It was all fun and games, until I realised we didn’t live in Hollywood and despite being a dead ringer for Beans from Disney’s ‘Evens Stevens,’ I wasn’t destined for sitcom fame.

So then came my next dream job. The classic ‘I love animals so naturally I’m going to be a vet’ phase. That is until I was swiftly informed I’d have to operate on the ‘ugly’ animals too. And there’d be blood. Ew. After that I think I scaled my ambitions back again. I decided I was going to be a teacher. But I had a conflict of interest because I also wanted to be an author. Naturally ten year old me decided that this wasn’t going to be a problem and I was just going to do both. Yep a teacher by day, and a kick ass best selling novelist by night. I think somewhere in between that I also wanted to be a doctor, but I knew even then that I couldn’t forgo my social life for 600 leaving cert points and 7 odd years in college. (Serious kudos to all those who do).

I suppose at this stage you’re wondering the point of this little rambling. I just think it’s funny that when you’re younger you have no concept of limitations or self doubt. Anything is achievable and you have the whole world in your sights. Now that I’m finally at this stage in my life it’s like I feel as If I can’t do any of it. Though deep down I know I have the skills, it’s just that awful fear of not being good enough, or not getting hired etc.  It’s mad, when you’re a child you’re supposed to look to the adults for help and guidance. Though I find myself longing for reassurance from fearless 10 year old me. I know she’d give me a right kick up the arse and tell me to cop myself on. Call me crazy but I think we’d actually be much better adults if we rekindled our inner child a bit! Obviously within reason.

There’s a common complaint among myself and those in my course; and that is we don’t get the time to read and write the things we actually want to read and write! Which is precisely why I’m writing this blog, to escape the annoying demands of  my FYP. In some ways I feel like academic life really does curb your creativity and confidence. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have time to work on other skills and aspects needed for the ‘dream job’. Which nowadays involves either staff writing for an online publication or something within radio or broadcast journalism. But ironically the further I progress in my academic pursuits, the further away it seems. Strange that.

Anyway I’m sure there’s going to be plenty more tears and breakdowns over the next twelve weeks, but as I’ve so frequently heard, ‘It’s all a means to an end’. Where I’ll be this time next year I’ve no clue, but as long as I have good people, a strong shade of Mac lippy, and a customary glass of wine in tow, I’m sure I’ll be alright.

Until the next existential Crisis!

~Jessie

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