Well hello there little blog of mine. It’s certainly been a long time. 16 months since my last post, this really has gone by the wayside hasn’t it?
I always seem to leave this go a while, and then whip it back out in times I feel a need to write. I guess this is one of those times.
Putting pen to paper (or in this case ink to screen?) has always helped me make sense of crazy life events. Ohh and I’ve certainly experienced some crazy turns these past few months! I guess it wouldn’t be me otherwise. Life likes to keep me on my toes. I think the writers of my script were getting bored..
I currently find myself going down a new twisty road that I definitely didn’t foresee.
I was on the fence about whether to write about this publicly or not. I suppose I still felt a sense of obligation to protect the person who hurt me the most. But then I realised, this is my truth. And I have every right to talk about it in whatever way I want, through whatever medium I want.
“If people wanted you to write warmly about them, then they should have behaved better” .
So here goes, I’m laying it bare.
I should be in Canada right now, with my partner of 3 and a half years. Except he decided it would be more fun to lead a double life, cheat on me multiple times and pretend I didn’t exist for an entire year of our relationship. I won’t get into the gory details. He knows what he did, and the people closest to us know what he did. It’s not up to me to air dirty laundry on the internet.
So why am I writing this then? Well when someone hides your identity you develop this intense need to always ensure you’re heard. If I can help at least one person by sharing my experiences, well then I’m paying it forward, and that’s all I can ever hope to do.
I’m not going to lie, the whole thing fucking hurt. Of course it did. I never imagined that all the clichés about heartbreak would turn out to be true, but let me tell you they are. Just imagine two big hands reaching down your throat, travelling to your chest cavity, wrapping tightly around your heart and pulling at it until all you can feel is a hollow ache, until you don’t feel anything at all. No one deserves it. I wouldn’t even wish it on the person who inflicted it on me.
I never thought I would be on the receiving end of such shitty treatment. I thought I was smarter and that I would never pick someone like that. But some people are master manipulators. And those are the scariest. They glide through life exuding charm, confidence and charisma. They are the ones you least expect yet they are the ones capable of the most sinister. It didn’t take me very long to realise this wasn’t about me. I didn’t spend weeks feeling like I wasn’t pretty enough, funny enough or kind enough. I’ve built up enough self worth over the years to know that I am all those things and more. I have the strongest and fiercest network of loving people around to remind me of that too. A more vulnerable person may not have been so fortunate. Human emotions are so valuable. The greatest gift you can give someone is love, so to be so wreckless with another’s heart is straight up selfish.
Maybe it’s the times we live in. We’re just saturated in technology and social media now so maybe people think they can just get away with whatever they want? We’re more connected to our devices than to each other. It’s something I started thinking about more after speaking with my dad in the aftermath of my relationship breakdown. He started musing on the impact of social media, because the reality is it didn’t exist ‘back in his day’. IG likes, secret snaps, private Whatsapp groups and hiding every single picture of you and your girlfriend from your seedy ‘LAD’ friends on FB, just wasn’t a thing. Imagine actively hiding your relationship for fear of not being liked or accepted? How fucking sad and pathetic is that? Imagine not wanting to show off the person you love to the world. That kind of behaviour is unacceptable and it will never make any sense to me. By all means do whatever you want, but be single in the process. Don’t drag another person through it.
In the immediate days after I unearthed all this, I discovered a poem that resonated so strongly with me.
“The peace lily is a flower that can grow and survive even if it’s left in the shade. From this I learned, we don’t always choose our environment, but we can’t let that stop us from blooming”.
This popped up on my IG at such a pivotal moment. Deep in my hiding under a blanket and bawling my eyes out phase, it was the slap in the face I needed. I couldn’t control what happened. I didn’t have a choice in that. What I could control, and what I did have a choice in, was how I responded to it.
I decided then I wasn’t spending months wasting away crying and eating mountains of Ben & Jerry’s. Bridget Jones did enough of that for women everywhere. Truth is I’d actually been given a lifeline. I’d dodged a major bullet and by god was I thanking my lucky stars. I still am. I am forever grateful I didn’t move half way across the world with a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I am blessed that I uncovered what I did while surrounded by such an amazing support system. Not alone in the depths of Canadian Winter.
So what did I do then? I moved half way across the world. By myself. To the Desert.
A lot of people have asked me “Why not go through with Canada? are you sad about that?”
The answer is both yes and no. Canada was always my second choice. Two years ago back in 2017 I wanted to move to Dubai. I put it on hold because he-who-shall-not-be-named got a job offer in the UK. I had recently moved back from a failed stint over there myself. I was gutted because I thought we were on the same page and we’d both been planning to head out to the Middle East that coming Autumn. So I was blindsided by this new spanner in the works. At the same time I had gone over to London and done my thing, so I felt I couldn’t really stand in the way of him giving it a try. So I was the supportive girlfriend. As I was for the best part of nearly 4 years. I shelved dreams so he could pursue his. What he was really doing was kicking the can down the road and making a fool of me in the process. I do have regrets about that. But at the same time it speaks volumes about my character and I’m not about to rewire my trust and compassion just because someone took advantage of it. I have however learned to always trust your gut and always chase your dreams.
I knew instantly I would never follow through with going to Canada. It was always Dubai. I was sad for the idea of what could have been. But it was only ever an illusion. Nobody wants to live life through the looking glass.
So here I am, nearly 7 weeks in the U.A.E. teaching Kindergarteners and actually enjoying it (the biggest curveball of all if you ask me!) The girl who often proclaims she’s ‘allergic to children’ responsible for 22 of them..
Kids are funny though. They have this amazing way of bringing you back down to earth. Sometimes you just need to talk to a 4 year old so you can understand life again! I’ve met some lovely people in such a short space of time and I can’t help but feel I’m exactly where I need to be. I’m making plans to travel the world, I’m laughing, I’m trying new things and I’m just taking it day by day.
If you’re reading this and are going through something, just know that hearts take time to heal. But everything heals eventually, always.
Every experience, no matter how dark, is an opportunity to learn. Right now i’m spending time with the most important person in my life, me. I’m loving myself and growing in new ways and that’s all I can ever hope for.
You can love fiercely and then you can have nothing at all. And that’s okay. Until it’s time to love again 😉
Until the next crazy story,
Jess x