The various stages of a hangover

Ah hangovers. We’ve all been there, some more often than others. Chances are you’ve probably experienced your fair share, unless you’re one of those rare breeds who claim “they don’t get hangovers”. (If any of you lucky ones are reading this, please teach us your ways).

so yesterday I experienced the mother of all hangovers, which got me thinking about all of the different stages we have to suffer through before it’s finally over.

Waking up- 

You open your eyes slowly, afraid of being fully conscious and the inevitable onslaught of pain that you know is coming.  If you’re a girl chances are at this stage you are peeling off the remnants of last nights eye lashes.  Once your eyes are open you have the chance to take in your surroundings. This is where the panic sets in- are you in your own bed? Is there a stranger passed out beside you? If the answer to the above questions are yes and no – then congrats your hangover is going to be a little easier.

Dry Mouth-

Once your eyes are open and you’ve become accustomed to your surroundings, you now notice the dryness of your mouth. You’re absolutely gasping for a drink, it feels like you’re housing the Sahara dessert in there. Cue the frantic search for water, or liquid of any kind.  Be careful at this stage- bad things can happen. Like the consumption of contact lenses floating in what you thought was an innocent glass of water. (Yep it happened.)

Denial–

Hey! You don’t feel that bad- maybe you’ve gotten away with drinking five jager bombs in a row, succ- oh no. Oh no, wait. Yep there it is. Your head is banging. The room is spinning. You want to vomit. The world is a dark and dreary place and you’re cursing yourself for ever going out in the first place, what were you thinking.

Assessing the damage-
you’ve been putting it off for long enough, but it’s now time to check your phone. (If it’s survived that is). You’re praying to god you didn’t drunk text or call anyone. You’re making every bargain and promise to yourself. Please god I promise I’ll never drink again just please make it so I didn’t ruin my life last night.  It’s no use. You check the phone, 7 unanswered calls to the ex, and god knows how many snapchat screen shots.

Checking for possessions -the first thing you check for is your phone. Brownie points if it survived. Then you search for your wallet/purse/bag. If you still have everything then comes the horror of checking your bank balance. Oh it was all fun and games bringing your card out last night- until you notice that you spent 30 euro on a round. Fuck.

Flashbacks-

here comes the fun part. Trying to piece the night together. What happened last night? What did you do? Who did you talk to? Where did you get that bruise? How did you get home? Are your friends still your friends? Why can’t you remember anything? It was the tequila. It was definitely the tequila. So many questions, so little dignity.

Hunger-

pure animalistic ravenous hunger. You want everything. You start to plan your binge for the day. McDonald’s, pizza, chicken fillet roll, Chinese. You want it all. The greasier the better.

Nausea-

you go for your feed. Only suddenly you’re not as hungry as you once thought. A wave of nausea comes over you. You’re caught between your desire to eat, and the feeling of immense sickness. This is the cruellest stage.

Self Hatred –

there’s no one to blame but yourself. You put yourself in this state so you’re going to have to suffer on. But god do you hate yourself. You’re never letting Mary convince you to do shots again. Why are you such a mess? Why can’t you stay in instead of spending all your money and ruining your life? You’re a disgrace to humanity. A disgrace. You’re never drinking again.

Aches, pains, shivers, and shakes-  
oh god will it ever end?

Heart palpitations-

you’re dying. Yep you’re definitely dying. You’re having a whiskey heart attack and life has never been so bleak.

Gradual acceptance- It’s 9pm Sunday and it seems to be getting better. You’re almost at the end, well done soldier.

More hunger-

the nausea has gone and you feel well enough to eat again. Bring on the grease.

You’re now ready to sleep it all away full of promises and dreams of an alcohol free life. Until next weekend when you do it all again.

What ‘Criminal Minds’ has taught me

So instead of ploughing through my college work like I should be, I’ve been binging my way through countless episodes of Criminal Minds. Which as it turns out, if you pay close enough attention you can actually learn a lot of valuable lessons, that may even save your life. 😛
Now correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t learning how to evade serial killers seem a lot more useful than reading about Vikings? Either way, it’s definitely more entertaining.
Seeing as I’m on a mission to do anything other than what I’m supposed to be doing, I decided to devise a list of all the wonderfully whacky things the show has taught me.

Warning: May contain elements of sarcasm and/or irony from the outset and throughout. Persons lacking an element of humour are advised to read an instruction manual as an alternative. Any illusions to real people are entirely coincidental. Spoilers may be present. You have the right to remain silent, anything you do say can and will be used against you.

Here we go:
1. You are literally never safe. Ever. Even your animals aren’t safe.
2. It is always the most unassuming people that are psychopaths. That super nice couple you live next to are probably harboring over 20 child hostages. Be warned.
3. Never open the door to anyone, never leave your house, never accept help from anyone, never speak to anyone, basically never trust anyone or go anywhere.
4. Support groups are most likely housing murderers.
5. Don’t bully anyone, they might find you twenty years later to enact horrific revenge. (Not that you should bully anyone anyway).
6. The FBI will almost always show up to save you in the nick of time. But unfortunately only if you are victim number 47.
7. Don’t go to diners. 99.9% of incidents happen at diners. Just don’t go there.
8. You also shouldn’t go to libraries.
9. Don’t pick up hitch hikers.
10. You can be abducted anywhere, at anytime.
11. Old ladies aren’t always as nice as you think.
12. Don’t run at night time. Actually, just don’t run. (unless it’s away from an unsub).
13. If you are homeless you have no hope.
14. Sometimes good looking fathers will use their kids to steal your heart, literally.
15. Every FBI agent has a personal trauma.
16. Don’t scream out ‘Hello!? Is anyone there?!” just find the nearest object of defense and run like hell.
17. If you’re an FBI agent you get to travel a lot, though for unfortunate circumstances.
18. FBI agents can’t lead successful personal lives.
19. FBI agents overuse the phrase ‘FREEZE FBI!’
20. Don’t piss off your best friend- she might try and drown you.

21. Try not to experience any emotional trauma which may render you susceptible to homicidal tendencies.
22. If you watch the show you’ll acquire a lot of deep and meaningful quotes.
23. Never lick the back of envelopes, they might be filled with Anthrax.
24. Don’t go to the park, you could get shot from a distance, or poisoned by anthrax.
25. Don’t walk alone at night
26. Don’t go on holidays with your family- bad things can happen.
27. Never be a prostitute.
28. Never do drugs.
29. Never piss off your neighbour.
30. Never be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

31. Don’t ask your noisy neighbours to keep it down
32. Don’t ignore the weird guy.
33. Never participate in online chatrooms.
34. Never keep a diary.
35. Never be in a situation where you haven’t put thought into entry and exit points and potential improvised defensive tools–and never be totally unarmed.
36. Ignore the voices in your head.
37. Revenge is never justified, even if you have a heart breaking past.
38. Don’t buy your kids balloons from creepy clowns
39. Barricade your children into their rooms at night.
40. Never leave your kids in the care of a relative.
41. Don’t hack into government computers.
42. A fear of the dark is a legitimate and justified fear at any age.
43. Don’t work in a bank..
44. Trust your instincts
45. Motels are the creepiest places ever.
46. Go to the dentist regularly, you never know when your nashers might help identify you, just saying.
47. The ‘unsub’ is always found after the FBI shows up at at least two wrong locations.
48. Technical annalists are cool.
49. Never assume you have gotten away with anything.
50. Don’t join a cult.

51. Don’t live underground to save money.
52. Always carry ‘pepper spray’.
53. Don’t get pregnant, someone might kidnap you and try and steal your baby.
54. Sometimes the good guys are the bad guys.
55. Everyone has motives.
56. Don’t possess evidence that can and will be used against you.
57. Forget google, if Garcia can’t find it, no one can.
58. Forgive and move on, don’t hold grudges.
59. Appreciate your loved ones and always tell them you love them.
60. Forever appreciate the beautiful agents that are Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan.

I would go on, but there are 5 more episodes of season 9 waiting for me… 😉

A letter to my 13 year old self

Dear 13 year old Jessie,

I sit in another country writing this note. In which case you’ve probably figured out that you’re still alive. I would tell you to stop googling every illness that you think you might have, but it’s a quirky habit that will stay with you for the next 8 years. Your hypochondriac ways are still there, though not as irrational.

At this moment in time you’re pretty awkward. A new found teenager. Set to embark on a brand new chapter, new friends, new experiences. You’ll be happy to know in about two years time you’ll ditch the glasses. However, be warned. A friend you don’t have yet will bring back photos of said awkward time to embarrass you on social media.

You probably don’t even know what social media is right now, but it becomes a huge part of your life. Anyway I know that right now you’re worried about starting a new school, about making new friends, and losing old ones. What I can tell you is you’re about to make the best friends you will ever have in your life. You might not realise it now, but these people are going to be there for you in ways you cannot even imagine.

You see all that hair falling way past your shoulders? Yeah you’re going cut it up into a bob and dye it red. And you’re going to love it. Then you’re going to dye it brown, grow it out, and then eventually dye it blonde.

Right now you’re freaking out about the possibility of having braces and glasses at the same time, because what on earth could be worse than that? Don’t worry kid, you manage to avoid that particular image disaster. You eventually get braces in college though, but only for a couple of months. Now you have shiny straight teeth, and that annoying ‘snaggle’ is gonzo.

The things you’re currently freaking out about are the things you’re going to look back on and split your sides laughing at. Like your first kiss. It happens at the infamous ‘ttown disco’ that you’re extremely excited about. It’s not going to be anything like you imagine. It’s going to be awkward, and you’re going to be surrounded by 50 others doing the exact same thing, under cheap blinking lights, to the sound of an awful Nelly Furtado song. But hey, you do it and you suddenly feel like a ‘normal’ person. But you never needed the peer pressure or the ‘approval’. You only think you do.

In the the next couple of years you’re going to do the usual rebellious teenager things. You’re going to sneak out. You’re going to lie about where you are. You’re going to ‘knacker drink’. You’re going to go camping, cut your chin on barbed wire, and fall out of a trailer stuck onto the back of a quad. You’re going to have severe mortifying moments, but most of all you’re going to acquire epic stories. Stories that you’re still telling today.

Your leaving cert year is bitter sweet. The summer of the exams will be amazing. You go to oxegen and you have one of the best weekends of your life. You’re excited about your college adventure and the future is in your sight. You turn 18 you have a party with all of your friends and family. But something bad happens that night. Your drink gets spiked, and in the days leading up to your exam results you collapse and wake up in hospital. You’re going to trip out really bad, and it’s going to be really scary. You end up having to take a year out before going to college, but you do so well in your exams, despite things not going according to your initial plan. The next 6 months are going to be shit, but this experience will strengthen you for things to come.

All your friends move away and you’re left behind recovering from the effects of the spiking. You’ll have days where all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. You’re going to learn of the death of two childhood friends. Things are going to be gray and sad for a while, but hang on in there, it gets better, I promise.

You’re amazing little nephew arrives. (Yes you have a nephew! Who’d have thought it? Shelly is going to provide the cutest tiny human ever). Your friends come back from college and throw you an amazing surprise party. You go inter-railing and travel all over Europe. You start college a year later with the realisation that the year off was actually a blessing in disguise. You meet so many new and amazing people. You do college radio. You travel a bit more. You go to a lot of concerts. You move to Dublin for 6 months and work in this really great company, gaining so much experience.

You haven’t broken a bone since you were 8. You lose weight, gain weight, then lose it again. You make some horrific fashion choices. You’re still largely un-coordinated and clumsy. You have many blonde moments to come. You still laugh too loudly, and you’re still brutally blunt at times. You’re still a bit of a push over in certain situations, but I’m working on that 😉 You still despise onions. You get better with food though, you’re not as picky in years to come. You learn to try things. You’re not afraid of the dark (as much) anymore.

I wish I could tell you the next 8 years are going to go perfectly, but life doesn’t work that way. You’re going to go through a lot of heavy stuff, and it’s going to seem like everything is trying to knock you down. At one stage you’ll even convince yourself someone is writing your life as an episode of EastEnders. But you’ll get through it. And those friends you’re about to make? They’ll be there for it every step of the way. They might not be the ones you think of as I write this, but the ones you think that matter right now really don’t.
You’re going to experience love, loss, and heartbreak. You’re going to cry. A lot. But you’re going to laugh even more.
You’ll question yourself, you’ll have doubts, but every choice you make has gotten you to where you are right now.

Which is sitting in a ‘dorm’ room in Sweden (yes, Sweden) on an erasmus exchange program, writing this blog at 2.30am instead of reading the 300 page novel you have to have read by Tuesday. (Yup, you’re still a procrastinator too). All in all the next 8 years aren’t the worst. It’s a roller coaster, but we both know anyone who can handle ‘The Speed’ in oakwood 13 times in a row can handle anything 😉

Keep smiling, Keep laughing, Keep living.
Love, Jessie- Your 21 year old self.
15/9/2014

When sleep fails, writing prevails- a short collection of poetry.

I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been writing a lot of poetry.
I usually keep any poems I write very private, mainly because A) they’re personal to me and B) they’re really not that good. However I started posting a few poems on my Instagram and I was surprised to see the positive attention they were receiving. Soo I figured why not throw a few up here. A lot of these were written within the depths of insomnia. I’m pretty old school in the sense that I always keep a pen and notebook under my pillow or near my bed, so naturally when I can’t sleep, I write.

When sleep fails, writing prevails-a short collection of poetry:

1.Mask
You can paint your mask, but you’ll never be pristine
Because the truth is you can’t hide the parts of you that demand to be seen.
Stop covering the cracks in your foundation, learn to be your own source of salvation.
Don’t chase a shadow that isn’t yours,
don’t play games just to even the scores.

Finish your story before the ink runs out,
dance in the storm before the drought.
Open your eyes, don’t let your vision be blurred,
don’t sit in silence, fight to make your voice heard.

Count your blessings, and love every day,
because you never know when it could all be taken away.

-JMRK

2.Armour
She loves hard and she loves fast,
she’s waiting on someone to show her that love can last.
She dangles her heart on the edge of her sleeve,
she’s searching for words that finally she can believe.
She’s lost in a tunnel of raw emotion,
she forgets what it’s like to feel a sense of devotion.
She’s tasted a love that has long turned stale,
yet she’s still clinging to the hope of a fairy tale.
She covers her heart in cuts and bruises,
no matter how well she thinks she chooses.
She’s become lost in a web of lies,
she’s let herself drown in the wrong set of eyes.
But she’s learning her lesson; don’t fall for the charmer
she’s mending her pride, she’s rebuilding her Armour
-JMRK

3.Words
All I have are your weightless words floating on the hope of your broken promises.
You are two people, and my heart doesn’t know which one of you to believe.

4.I’m sorry.

I couldn’t keep leaning on you.
I couldn’t keep letting you be my crutch.
I couldn’t keep letting you fall when I couldn’t be the net to catch you.
I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what changed.
I do know that my own heart betrayed me, just as it betrayed you.
It twisted, it turned cutting off the best parts of us.
Now all that’s left are the stabbing memories.
The aching and empty veins serve as a reminder of what once was.
A cold and lonely vessel remains, longing to beat with past intensity.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I never wanted to be the salt in your tears.

I never wanted my poison to be your poison.
But maybe one day our hearts will mend themselves.
And maybe our stars will burn bright again,
but for now they are too far faded.
I want so desperately to fix you,
but I am the reason you are broken.
-JMRK

5.Disguise
You wiped my tears you dried my eyes,
but for twenty years you wore a disguise.
How do I miss you when you’re not really gone?
How do I miss you when you weren’t really you all along?
You tore us apart and left us hanging by the seems
Now all that’s left are broken hearts and shattered dreams.
Sometimes I wonder did you ever really care?
Sometimes I wonder were you ever really there.
Little by little I’m learning to mend,
because I no longer need you on which to depend.
I hope one day you realise what you lost,
I hope the price for your actions was worth the cost.
-JMRK